You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
