Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
