Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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