my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
