Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
This is classic penis vs brain.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
