Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize