He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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