i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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