Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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