don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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