I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
my phone needs a breathalizer
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
