I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
