I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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