I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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