I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
