Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
