just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
