he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
