Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize