I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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