Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
