I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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