Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize