I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
