i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
