You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
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