there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
