my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
