I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
this is an emotional support booty call
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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