I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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