I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
