They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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