Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
