Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize