I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
