I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Redeem this text for a blowjob
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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