I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
how drunk are you?
Several
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize