Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
