Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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