Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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