I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
