Need sex. Gaining weight.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
