If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
