if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
