You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize