Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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