I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
