Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Randomize
