Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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