clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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