the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
