First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
