I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
