I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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