She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
