your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
