dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My vagina just recognized that song.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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