Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
