I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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