Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Blood and glitter go together right?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
