hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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