I wish I only lived at night.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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