Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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