im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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