god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
