i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
