Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I wish there were birth control emojis
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
