We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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