Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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