the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
