I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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