Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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