the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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